Is it actually your place to give feedback?
My friend Emma and I were having a wine when she started venting about a colleague who had recently returned from maternity leave.
While she’d been away, Emma had stepped up, taken ownership and done a bloody good job.
Now her colleague was back - checking everything, inserting herself everywhere and getting increasingly micromanage-y.
Emma was frustrated.
“That’s a conversation you need to have with her,” I said.
Because imagine coming back after months away and discovering everything carried on without you.
People grew. Things changed. Emma nailed it.
Her colleague might be wondering:
Where do I fit now? Am I still needed? How do I prove my value?
That doesn’t make the micromanaging okay.
But it does give Emma a choice:
Keep venting about her or have a useful conversation with her.
Feedback… or an information dump?
We call a lot of things “feedback” that really aren’t.
“You always take over.”
“Everyone finds you difficult.”
“You did the same thing last month.”
That’s not particularly useful feedback.
That’s judgement, frustration and a historical list of things the other person can’t go back and change.
You’ve emptied your bucket and handed it to them.
Good feedback uses the past to improve the future.
Instead:
“When you check or redo work I’ve completed, it feels as though you don’t trust me to manage it, and it creates duplication. Going forward, can we agree on what you need visibility over and what I can continue to own?”
Now I know:
What I did.
What impact it had.
What you need from me next time.
Much more useful.
Before you open your mouth…
Ask yourself:
Is this actually affecting me, the team, the work or the outcome?
If yes, there’s probably a conversation to have.
You don’t need to be someone’s manager to talk about behaviour that affects you.
But if it simply annoys you because they don’t do it the way you would?
Perhaps pop that feedback back in your pocket. Different isn’t wrong.
Do you have evidence or a story?
“She’s insecure.”
“He doesn’t care.”
“She just wants control.”
None of those are facts.
They’re your homemade psychological assessment.
What did the person actually say or do?
Check your energy
Are you calm, clear and genuinely trying to improve the situation?
Or are you a Chihuahua at the gate - tiny legs shaking, eyes bulging:
YAP YAP YAP… AND ANOTHER THING!
If you’re in Chihuahua mode, stop.
You might have a perfectly valid point, but they probably won’t hear it through the barking.
Walk. Breathe. Vent somewhere safe. Work out what outcome you actually want.
Then have the conversation.
Get curious first
Emma could start with:
“I imagine it must be challenging coming back and finding that things have changed. How has the transition been for you?”
Curiosity doesn’t mean avoiding the issue.
It means remembering there’s a real human on the other side of it.
Your turn: turn the bleat into feedback
Think of one piece of “feedback” you’ve been carrying around.
Write the unfiltered Chihuahua version first.
“You always…”
“You never…”
“The problem with you is…”
Now turn it into something useful:
What actually happened?Stick to observable facts.
What was the impact?On you, the team, the work or the outcome.
What do you need next time?Make a clear, achievable request.
Try:
“When ______ happened, the impact was ______. Going forward, could we ______?”
Before you give feedback, ask:
Is it useful? Is it specific? Is my energy calm? Can they actually do something with it?
If yes, say it.
Because “it’s not my place” is sometimes wisdom. And sometimes it’s avoidance.
Every conversation is an opportunity to build trust or break it.
Choose the conversation.
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